Why Do I Lose Control?
Understanding the Hidden Triggers Behind Emotional Outbursts
Have you ever completely lost it and felt out of control? At work you might be the most reasonable, calm and thoughtful professional, able to deal with all manner of issues at pace and juggle demands made upon you but at home it's different. Here, with the person you are closest to in every way, your partner, seemingly small, even trivial things seem to set off a big reaction. This hair-trigger feels like a mystery and is really distressing; it just doesn't feel like you. You don't recognise yourself and you feel embarrassed and often ashamed because of your behaviour. So what is happening? And how can you reconnect with the real you?
Sarah had always seen herself as a coper. She had earned lots of career success, often being held up as an example of best practice in her field, and had progressed to a position of significant responsibility and authority. Her professional views were valued and her leadership skills meant that colleagues trusted and respected her. Day to day, Sarah proficiently guided others, managed a huge workload and safeguarded all her working relationships.
Why do I feel out of control?
A wide variety of life experiences may predispose some people to what can be felt as ‘over-reactions’. Childhood interactions, including abuse, can lead to brain development which registers threat and sustains a sense of hyper-arousal even in situations that could be seen as neutral. The connection between a perceived sense of ‘danger’, something which could just as readily be emotional or psychological threat as anything physical, and a resulting reaction is strengthened and so becomes instantaneous. Interrupting this pathway of perception and reaction is one of the keys to change, but is it difficult.
The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl has been credited with stating that:
''Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.''
This strongly suggests that we can choose our behaviour but, in reality, the space he refers to here may be so brief that it isn’t registered in the moment of arousal. This leads to what feels like an immediate reaction, rather than a chosen response.
Similarly, the interactions we experience in early childhood shape our styles of attachment which affect how we relate to significant others, often throughout life. People whose early attachment relationships were insecure learn to cope with that in ways designed to get their needs met. For some that may have led in adulthood to a heightened fear of abandonment and a sense of fundamentally being unlovable and not somehow ‘enough’. These fears may exist very close to the surface even if they are a bit of a mystery to the person themselves. They may experience emotions which just feel out of proportion for the situation and don’t know why. All of which can place uncomfortable strain on intimate relationships.
Why might this be happening, for Sarah and many others?
Both of the predispositions mentioned above are complex, having taken many years to develop into what is now being experienced and seen. Seeking professional counselling or psychotherapy is a positive step towards self-understanding and change. With or without therapy, there are a few helpful points to remember.
The shame that often accompanies the behaviour and its relational fallout can really poison attempts to face what’s happening and to try to make changes. Recognising that you are not a ‘bad’ person and rejecting the thought that something is ‘wrong’ with you is central. Just having a little understanding about how and why this is happening for you can help here and changing the internal question of ‘What’s wrong with me?’ to ‘What has happened to me?’ is a powerful shift.
Starting to become more aware of how you are actually feeling moment by moment means practising a bodily and an emotional check-in. This habit can eventually really pay off as it starts to provide internal information about your current state and so give you the chance to recognise when you might begin to feel upset. Raising your own awareness of your internal state gives you the best chance to lengthen Frankl’s space and so move closer to being able to choose your response to a situation. Over-riding the reaction takes practise and progress with it rarely happens in a straight upward line. Change is possible though, particularly if you can view each ‘failure’ as an opportunity for learning more about yourself.
Where there have been incidents, such as the emotional ‘over-reactions’ Sarah was experiencing, being able to repair affected relationships can be difficult as it means owning behaviours which feel so out of character.
Taking this step and being able to share a little of how confusing and even shameful it has felt demands some vulnerability. Doing this though, and trusting that you can be met with sensitivity, lays great foundations for the ongoing change work to be supported. In the best circumstances, this can even become more of a team approach, where both partners explore their interactional dynamics, express their needs clearly and kindly and commit to relational honesty. Although partners can go a long way towards a state of co-regulation, where each person recognises when they or their partner are becoming upset or agitated and attempts to defuse or repair, it’s also really important that this is part of a process of change for the better. It’s not the responsibility of one person to constantly calm another or to endure abuse.
Crucial to the whole process when you are trying to change is the need for self-acceptance, an attitude of self-compassion and ongoing commitment to practising nurturing self-care. It might not be easy so be gentle with yourself.
Moving forward: Understanding, Growth and Self-Compassion
Feeling out of control, especially in close relationships, can be distressing and confusing. As we’ve explored, these reactions can be rooted in past experiences, leading to established patterns of threat perception. For Sarah, and many others, what seemed like disproportionate emotional responses were actually deeply ingrained survival mechanisms shaped over time.
The good news is that change is possible. By shifting from self-judgment to self-inquiry—asking "What has happened to me?" rather than "What is wrong with me?"—you open the door to self-awareness and healing. Recognising the role of past experiences, practising emotional check-ins, and so working towards lengthening the space between stimulus and response are all steps in the right direction. While the process isn’t linear and may come with setbacks, each moment of awareness is progress.
If this struggle resonates with you, seeking support—whether through therapy or honest conversations with trusted friends or your partner—can be a powerful step forward. Change requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to understanding yourself on a deeper level. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey—you are not alone and real change is a process.
If this resonates with you and you want things to change, contact me and see how we could work together.
But…when Sarah met Peter and they became intimate partners, increasingly Sarah found herself struggling with big emotional reactions to things he said or did. In the moment, she couldn’t seem to make a choice about whether to speak, let alone what to say, she just reacted and this pattern began to affect their connection. Peter might refer to an ex-partner of his or disagree with Sarah’s perception of an event and Sarah would find herself immediately swept up in uncontrollable emotion; it might appear as an angry outburst but was often accompanied by a confusing mix of fear and sadness. What was going on?
After such an outburst, inevitable feelings of shame then prevented Sarah from really wanting to explore what had happened. She experienced a sense of unreality; a disconnect from how she had always seen herself and this recent behaviour. Eventually, Peter suggested that talking to a counsellor could be helpful for Sarah and she started therapy.
How can we help ourselves?
February 2025
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